THAT SMILE FROM THE PAST

I didn’t even remember the first time I had seen that guy. Maybe it was around 12 years ago when I was living in that suburb in Guwahati with my mom. Enormous changes had taken place since then. But I could never forget that guy somehow.

  He wasn’t straight out of a Mills and Boon book as I had never liked those books. Maybe like a character from Jane Austen’s classic? Yeah, I was more into classics than those awfully romantic love stories. His eyes had a shine of innocence; his voice had a deep bass that could soothe you to the core. I was maybe standing at the grocery store that day with mother buying the usual products that a family needs every month when he walked into that shop in a hurry. He was friendly with the shopkeeper maybe, as he asked for a packet of krack-jack biscuits he also inquired about the shopkeeper‘s swollen leg.

  Damn he was a charming guy! Tall and fair and a smile that could light up a thousand bulbs at once and no I am not exaggerating at all. That smile was the first thing that I noticed about him. Suddenly I was very conscious of my appearance; The gangly, thin, tomboyish me with long but unkempt hair that kept flying and falling all over my face due to the stupid wind that had to blow right at that time! Yeah true that I was a 16 year old teenager who was worried about her looks all the time but with him standing next to me I felt really aware of myself.

  Mom, as these creatures know about everything that's going on with you caught me gaping at him and later I remember her poking me with her elbow and saying “wasn’t he a fine looking lad? Oh I bet he will grow up to be a handsome man someday”. And I remember smiling like a fool. He on the other side of the shop, busy asking for biscuits had no idea that time for he had found a new admirer from that very moment.

  I went speechless whenever I saw him. My cheeks turned a deep shade of red and I felt flushed and panicked. And that was the most horrible thing to happen because I stopped talking and started stuttering. Not that I didn’t control it but it was evident as he smiled softly and left the place so that I could complete my sentence to the one I was talking to. We had moved to that place just recently and I had no friends there. The only place that I used to go if I ever came out of the home was that small shop where I went for snacks or chocolates hunting. And I used to see him there regularly, sometimes with his friends and sometimes alone just sitting in the nearby bench reading a book by himself. My heart used to skip beats.

  Two months later while walking with my mom near the highway I came across him again. With that same childlike smile; walking past me. He didn’t notice me. Who would? I mean, I must have looked awful with him near me. And mom to sprinkle some more salt on my burns reminded me again that he didn’t look at me. That he was just too sweet a boy to be paired with me and that I should try looking at someone else. Yeah such a cruelly cool mom she was.

  The next week after that I couldn’t catch a glimpse of him, nor did the week after that. I was restless. I took numerous tours of that Kalawati Bhandar every evening but it was all in vain. After three weeks I left hope. Maybe his family moved from there. Maybe he this.. maybe he that.. I gave myself thousands of reasons to calm down. I lost that perfect guy to whom talking was distant dream but seeing him, even from a distance made my heart flutter and fly out to him.

  It was maybe a month or so after that, I was returning home from school. I got down at my stoppage from the bus. It was over crowded and I was struggling my way out with that huge school bag on my shoulders. Keeping my dupatta in place and fighting the crowd before the bus starts moving was a real effort. I stepped down somehow, almost cursing the people who just couldn’t get down to let me out. The bus let out a big cloud of polluted black smoke from its behind making me gasp for air. Coughing and panting after the dust settled I looked up to see him standing at the bus stop looking at me with that precious smile again. I froze to the ground behind me. The look on his face told me that he must have been watching my antics from afar and he must be laughing at me on the inside. Damn I was embarrassed! I hurried my steps and literally fled from the crime scene and never turned back.

“Itna pasand hain toh baat kyu nahi kar leti usse?” – my friend advised me over that newly bought mobile phone of mom that I borrowed that evening from her while walking near the highway.

“himmat hogi toh na.. bolti band ho jaati hai usse dekhte hi” – I replied.

“naam pata kiya?”

“pagal hain kya! Uski taraf dekha toh jata nahi, naam kaise puchoo”

“toh chal naamkaran kar dete hai uska. Leonardo kaisa rahega?” and we had laughed for 2 minutes over that.

At that time I and my friend had this awkward habit of re-naming each and every guy for our convenience. Those guys whom we had a crush on and knew that we would never be able to talk to. And thus he was renamed as Leo or Leonardo, after the actor by us. The guy on whom I was crushing on.

  It went on like this for 2 long years. Every time I caught a glimpse of him a chill used to run down my spine. Such a good looking bloke he was. I craved for just one peek of him every evening, though in those 2 years I couldn’t gather up the courage to go up to him and utter a hello. Well, the story had been a lot different otherwise I think.

  Maybe he already knew that he had an admirer in me. Slowly maybe he too got a sniff of this routine of mine, coz he was always there. Seeing him used to make even the worst day the best for me. His smile used to stir up my whole world. I had developed a deep crush on him, on Leo, the guy we named ourselves for my fear of talking to him.

  Time changed so many things. I had to leave to another city and mom had to move in to the city from the suburbs for her convenience. My dreams somehow overshadowed my likeness and far more important decisions took over me than just to go out and search for my Leo or talk to him.

  I left even without looking back. Gradually studying Shakespeare and Milton became more important than thinking about Leonardo from my home town. Writing assignments about Greek tragedies were a priority than dreaming about his smile. His appearance faded with the increasing course books of poetry, plays and novels in my table.

  A year back I went to that same neighborhood to attend one of my school friends’ wedding reception and I came across him. He had grown into a much gentle, handsome man from that sweet looking young guy of the past. The hint of stubble and a blue shirt with trousers gave him a graceful look. One look at him from far and I knew it was him. The guy we had re-named Leo. How could I not know? He had that same million dollar smile. The smile that I had fallen for, 12 years back.   My heart had skipped several beats that day. And I couldn’t say a word. I couldn’t exchange one greeting, Again! I had a plane to catch the next day. I couldn’t wait there to see that he had no recollection of me.  Why would he? I asked myself.

But when our eyes met for the last time his eyes sparkled, his lips moved and he still had that smile. Intact. Frozen in time as if.

He had a golden band on his ring finger. I left the reception in a hurry. I never looked back. I chose not to.